Doing Feminism

I vlogged about the recent rapes that have been happening in my neighbourhood lately and covered victim blaming too, but I feel that doesn’t even begin to address the many discourses surrounding rape. So, when I was walking home last night past 2:00 with some friends (let’s call them Steve, Susan, and Erin), we came to the time for us to return to our homes. Susan and I lived closest, and Steve not much further. I said to Erin that I would go home to get my bike while she walked to Susan’s house, and then I would walk her home. I then asked Steve if he needed someone to walk home with him, to which he said he’d be fine. So, the women and men split up and I walked with Steve as far as my apartment, and then we went our separate ways. I grabbed my bike and met Erin some blocks away. It was here when she asked me, “Why does Steve get the option of being walked home when I don’t?” And rightly so.

There are a number of problems with this scenario, and I’m not sure I know any solutions, but allow me to at least lay out the problems as clearly as possible (and call me out on any I miss). Before, though, perhaps some things should be made clear, to put matters in context. First, there have been sexual assaults in the area I live in. Even if that weren’t the case, though, women are still sexually assaulted at a frighteningly high rate, with some studies stating 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. The 1993 Violence Against Women Survey showed that half of all women in Canada will be physically or sexually assaulted. Women are victims of sexual assault far more often than men. That’s some of the context. Now, on to the problems.

First, something that didn’t occur to me until later, is that my actions reinforce the stereotype that women are assaulted by strangers while walking alone at night. This isn’t the case in the majority of situations. Some studies cite that 69 percent of women are sexually assaulted by men they know. Statistically, I pose more of a threat to friends that I walk home than a stranger jumping out from an alley or a bush, and that’s something I’ve failed to take into consideration when in situations such as the one described above.

Second, my behaviour reinforces the idea that women need to be protected by men. While this certainly wasn’t the logic behind my actions, my friend pointed out (and I completely agree) that it appears that way to others. The fact is, I’m male, and even if I want to walk a friend (who happens to be a woman) home because I think people are safer when they’re with others, and even if I want to walk her home as a friend, not a male friend, this isn’t the way it appears to others. To most other people (and certainly people who don’t know me), I’m just another guy walking a woman home to protect her from the crazies just waiting to assault a woman walking home. The fact that I didn’t walk Steve home further exemplifies this.

Third, and perhaps the most troublesome, is the element of choice that my friend brought up. She’s right: I essentially told her I’d be walking her home, while I asked Steve. Not only that, but if she had refused, I would have insisted kindly. When Steve refused, I gave him an “Are you sure?” and that was that. If Erin absolutely refused to be walked home, I would have relented, but likely only then. And that’s not okay. While I might think at the time a refusal is simply an unwillingness to be a burden to another person, that’s not necessarily the case. A “no,” in whatever form, needs to be adhered to.

With past experiences, I’ve been placed in situations where I’ll be leaving a venue with a woman I met that day or night, and I’ll often ask to walk her home or to her car. In situations where I’ve received a “no,” I’ve complied immediately. With good friends, and probably with acquaintances, I’ve likely always insisted at least once. Why should it be different? In my mind, this is probably once again due to the stereotype that women are assaulted by strangers, something I’m aware of, but haven’t been when placed in these situations. Feminism is about choice for women, though, and if I’m depriving anyone of choice, that, in my mind, isn’t okay.

Another issue comes up, though. If I chose to simply go home and not walk a friend home and something did happen, I would feel guilty, not as a man who’s duty it was to protect his friend, but as a friend who should have been there for another friend. The same holds for both female and male friends: If something had happened to Steve on his way home, I would have felt incredibly guilty for not going to his home with him, yet I didn’t insist that I walk him home after his initial “no.” What is the solution? I don’t think it should be denied that sometimes people simply don’t want to burden another person, be they acquaintance or good friend. Should a “no” that results from those feelings be given the same weight as a more direct “no?” The trouble is, we can only determine so much by tone of voice, so the answer is probably “yes.” That might not rid a compliant friend of the guilt resulting from a friend’s assault (if it ever happened), but the answer to that is, in my mind, that we probably need to respect other people’s autonomy more than we do. Furthermore, if I respect a male friend’s autonomous choice to walk himself home but deny a female friend the same choice, never mind statistics or uneasy feelings: that’s sexist.

I’ll have moments like this in the future, I’m sure of it. Despite my best intents to rid myself of sexism, it still lurks beneath my privilege, and this won’t be the last time I discover I still harbour some sexism. All I can hope for is that when I write posts like this they get people thinking so we can move beyond the problems.