Doing Feminism

Note: I’m getting angrier the more I think about his sympathy-grab. I may or may not have another post on this in the future. I’m really am sorry that I gave him such an easy time in the beginning of this post, though.

I was a bit hesitant to give Kyle Payne another platform by writing about his public statement on my blog, but I have some things to say. First, though, I need to get some things out of the way. Most importantly, I do not sympathise with Kyle. He’s sexually assaulted another person and that, in my books, is unforgivable. I do think he’s looking for sympathy in his post, though. Part of me wanted to feel sympathetic towards him, and that says to me that if he didn’t want people to sympathise, he didn’t write his post correctly. I feel it’s akin to directors asserting their films don’t promote rape when the rape scene marks the climax and/or is portrayed in such a way it arouses people.To me, Kyle’s search for sympathy (whether he admits that’s what it is or not), really takes away from his words. How are we to know for sure Kyle’s entire post wasn’t a search for sympathy? A last feeble attempt at grabbing someone who truly feels sorry for him and forgives him?

To make it absolutely clear, I’m not that person.

That said, and now that I’ve got the point across that we may want to question Kyle’s intentions in writing this (and, as a result, the content of the whole post), I think there are some points that we should look at. First, Kyle explains why, exactly, he’s written this piece for us (or, alternatively, the reason he wants us to believe why he wrote it):

I write this letter in the interest of dropping barriers, sharing openly and honestly a story that is very difficult to talk about, in hopes that doing so may bring peace, understanding, and hope to the lives of others.

Funny, I don’t see where numerous apologies fit in there, but whatever. I sure hope no one forgives him particularly, the woman he assaulted and the rape survivors who placed their trust in him. Considering Kyle’s post back from February, (Entitled “A Different Kind of Pain.” Puke.) it would seem Kyle is more sorry he’s been caught than sorry that he sexually assaulted another human being.

And really, look at this:

With a digital camera I kept with me regularly, I briefly photographed and took a few seconds of video of the woman’s breast.

I just love the emphasis (twice!) on how short the encounter was. It was “brief” and “a few seconds.” Because that makes it all the better, right?

But I digress.

If we’re to give Kyle the benefit of the doubt and believe the whole post wasn’t a sympathy-grab (which, again, I’m certain it is), can we really take anything noteworthy away from his words? Of the entire post, I can get this:

The act itself is not something with which I identify, nor are the interests behind it. Indeed, for some time following the incident, I could not believe what had actually taken place.

So, Kyle doesn’t identify what he did and he couldn’t believe it took place. Now, I don’t have a lot of experience or contact with rapists and sexual offenders, but wouldn’t they say the same thing? I mean, even if they supposedly weren’t trying to save their own skin?

…

This post has just experienced some epic failure. When I first read Kyle’s post, I thought there was something we could take away from it, but ultimately, the more I read into it, the more I see it was written out of selfishness. His whole post is about himself. He still calls himself a “male ally to feminism.” That makes me want to puke. If Kyle, a sexual offender, is a male ally to feminism, what the hell does that make me? And this:

As part of my attempts to make amends, however, I will not post any new material on my blog until such time that I have been welcomed back into a community of feminists.

Seriously?? This all just SPELLS the fact that he was seeking sympathy the entire time he wrote this. It was all “to make amends.” Well fuck that! I know I don’t stand alone when I say Kyle’s never going to be getting my warm “welcome back” gesture. I mean, seriously? You don’t make amends when you sexually assault someone! You pay for it for the remainder of your life, just as they’ll have to deal with your thoughtless actions!

Ugh. I’m sick of writing about this. I’m not going to edit it, because it sort of went from a typical piece into a rant. But really, Kyle? A piece about survivors of rape and sexual assault might have been welcome. Instead, you forced the spotlight on yourself, and to me, that shows you’ve missed the whole point. Give yourself another pat on the back.

I know I’ve gone through these feelings before. I’m going through one of those times where I just feel completely overwhelmed about everything there is to be done. I’ve been trying to do things, but sometimes it seems I’m just not cut out for it. I have ideas, but judging by words exchanged and silence maintained, they’re not very good ones. But you know, I’m trying. I’m trying and I feel it’s driving me insane some days.

I’ll admit: Some days it’s pretty tempting to just give up. Hell, it would be a lot easier than the shit I go through on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were to stop caring. Forget about the everyday discrimination, the violence, the rape, just the whole state of this whole goddamn mess. I feel I know what would happen, though. I would leave women’s studies, of course. I would probably study to become a chef or something along those lines. I could absorb pop culture uncritically. I could escape for once. I would make and maintain friends a lot easier. No one would see me as the joy kill. If someone told a sexist joke I could just laugh along with everyone else. I could stop stressing out so much about what’s to be done to stop this bullshit. In short, I feel I would be a whole helluva lot happier than I am now.

So why don’t I fucking give up already?

I could probably manage a few answers to that question. Thinking in purely self-interested terms, I honestly don’t think I’d be able to reconcile with myself after giving up on something I know is crucial. I know what I’m working on is important and needed. It’s just so frustrating because I can’t tell if I’m making change or not. Yes, there are a handful of people who tell me they’re glad I’m doing this (and I am so indebted to these people and they are so very important to me), but why? Yes, I’m dedicated to these issues, but I’m failing to actually change things. And yes, I know, change doesn’t happen overnight. It goes back to what I said earlier: my ideas are shit. My head isn’t in the right place.

But I’m digressing. Why do I really keep up with this? Unless I’m completely mistaken about myself, I’m not entirely self-interested. In fact, I believe I’m really doing this because I’m not self-interested. I think I’m fairly honest with myself, and I know that I am not well. Physically, sure. Mentally and emotionally? I have my doubts. I’ve never revealed these thoughts before. I talk, but I haven’t spoken in over three years. So no, I am not well. There are probably a number of reasons, but I know my concern over these issues is one. A huge one. Does that mean I should stop? Hell no. I know I just need to manage how I deal with these things a little better. I do this because I need to. I do this because few other people are. I’m doing this because many of those who are just as capable don’t fucking care. Wake up! Wake right the fuck up! Your friends, sisters, mothers, girlfriends, wives are being raped, deprived of their personhood, murdered, restricted, oppressed, mutilated, and you don’t give a damn! No, instead you jerk off to your lad mags, you obsess over the lives of celebrities… You fucking cry over Heath Ledger! Please, someone, tell me I’m wrong! Tell me people actually give a damn about women and are just too afraid of being judged for it! Jesus Christ, I wish someone would tell me I’m wrong about you.  And I wish if they did, I could believe her.

So, I’ve been lost a lot lately. I haven’t known where to go. I want to do so many things and, as a result, I become unfocused. As I said above, there’s not a lot of support there, either, but this is probably a result of my own faulty ideals. Sometimes I wonder if I should just lower the bar a bit. Then I tell myself I’m full of it. I can’t settle for a half-assed job. That just won’t do.

To reach my full potential, then, I’ve been thinking about what I can do. Perform. Write. Speak. Then I think about what I want to do. Activism. And now, I think I have to admit to myself that I make a kind of shitty activist. At least so far, anyway. It’s just something I need to work on. But I can write. I mean, I don’t know if my blog is any indicator as I mostly just type as I think, but I know that with some thought and time I can write. And I can perform. I’ve done theatre since junior high, it’s just something I haven’t kept up since leaving high school. I’d like to change that, and I think I will. I’d like to start writing monologues. Little pieces, and then performing them in front of people. Maybe on a stage, perhaps I sidewalk or a street. Time will tell. And then I can speak. Some of you know I go into high schools and speak about gender equality and feminism. I want to really expand that. I know from their responses that I really reached those kids, and they were great. So, I guess I have a few things going for me, and from these three things and my own personal intuition, I can tell what I really need to focus on: consciousness raising.

Despite my little spout of anger above, I know that people don’t care, but I also know that people simply don’t know what’s going on, and I’m not completely satisfied with blaming it on their apathy (although it certainly doesn’t help). The information isn’t out there. And me, well, I’m no good with the issues and I know that. I don’t know enough yet about how to affect change in policies and the like. But I do know how to teach. I know how to get people thinking. So, I though, Hey, this is what I should do! Since I can write and speak and perform, I think it fits pretty well, too.  So, in the past week or so, I’ve been in a pretty shitty mood. I hide it well, so I doubt anyone even knows. It’s because of this. I’ve been so lost with myself lately. But I’ll be damned if I haven’t decided what I need to do, at least for now. So, consciousness raising it is. People have got to know about these issues, and so they will.

To wrap up, I must apologize for the quality of this post. It was pretty shitty, I know, but very much needed. It’s cathartic to finally get these thoughts/feelings out there. I’m fucked up, but a lot of the reason is because I don’t speak out nearly as much as is healthy. It’s just so much easier to hide behind empty smiles and give people the impression things are all right. But let me get this straight: things are not all right with me. And they won’t be, not until things change, so I’m not looking for your comfort or words of sympathy; I’m looking for your help.

I apologize, but this is going to be a bit of an unfocused, likely incoherent rant. With that out of the way…

I’ve become frustrated with not only myself lately, but much of the feminist community. First, this blog. It has deviated from what I originally wanted it to be. Rather than facilitating mine and others’ activism, it’s become quite useless, spewing out news of misogyny among other things. What it comes down to, though, is that it’s accomplishing a whole hell of a lot of nothing. I came back from blogging thinking I missed it. And, well, I did miss it, but not as much as I thought, and not for the same reasons, either. I love to write. That’s why I missed it. I wanted to become more involved with my feminist activism. I thought coming back to blogging was going to fix that, but I was wrong. Granted, if I hadn’t deviated, I might not be feeling as unfulfilled, but I still feel blogging would have left me wanting more.

I look at other feminist blogs now and I get frustrated, too. Allow me to take a popular example. I love Feministing. I really do. But I feel like blogging about these issues really isn’t changing much. Yes, there was the win with the Wal-Mart underwear, but is this really a win? The underwear were disturbing, yeah, but is this what we’re willing to devote ourselves to? When women are being raped? When there are serious human rights issues going on elsewhere that could really use more of our attention?

I hope any fellow bloggers out there take any personal offense to this. This is simply how I’m feeling right now. Earlier, I would have argued that blogging creates a community for feminists, and it does. I just feel it’s not significant. Ugh, there are so many things I want to voice right now that I feel I just can’t articulate.

I think some blogs are nice. I’m glad Feministing here because it’s important to keep up with news related to feminism. But I’m not going to fool myself by saying I’m making the biggest difference that I can make through blogging, because I’m not. I think that either my post count is going to go down, or I’m going to shift the focus of this blog so that it better facilitates my and others’ activism, or I’m unfortunately going to have to drop it. I am glad I’ve started blogging. It’s put me in touch with some amazing people. I just feel it’s time to switch my focus or abandon it altogether.

I’m sorry I’m not saying much more, but I feel I can’t articulate it well enough. I really think it’s time for me, at least, to move more of my attention away from my blog and to the real world, so to speak. With blogging, I’m mainly preaching to the choir, an issue that came up on my last blog and in other blogs as well. For me, the solution is to move feminist discourse into the mainstream. I’ve started that by going to high schools and teaching students about feminism and gender equality, but I want to expand this effort.

Ah, I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore. This blog may very well become much more personal in the days to come, if I decide to shift my focus. Should I begin posting about my own endeavors in activism, I definitely encourage you to offer any input to better my efforts. Until next time.