I vlogged about the recent rapes that have been happening in my neighbourhood lately and covered victim blaming too, but I feel that doesn’t even begin to address the many discourses surrounding rape. So, when I was walking home last night past 2:00 with some friends (let’s call them Steve, Susan, and Erin), we came to the time for us to return to our homes. Susan and I lived closest, and Steve not much further. I said to Erin that I would go home to get my bike while she walked to Susan’s house, and then I would walk her home. I then asked Steve if he needed someone to walk home with him, to which he said he’d be fine. So, the women and men split up and I walked with Steve as far as my apartment, and then we went our separate ways. I grabbed my bike and met Erin some blocks away. It was here when she asked me, “Why does Steve get the option of being walked home when I don’t?” And rightly so.
There are a number of problems with this scenario, and I’m not sure I know any solutions, but allow me to at least lay out the problems as clearly as possible (and call me out on any I miss). Before, though, perhaps some things should be made clear, to put matters in context. First, there have been sexual assaults in the area I live in. Even if that weren’t the case, though, women are still sexually assaulted at a frighteningly high rate, with some studies stating 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. The 1993 Violence Against Women Survey showed that half of all women in Canada will be physically or sexually assaulted. Women are victims of sexual assault far more often than men. That’s some of the context. Now, on to the problems.
First, something that didn’t occur to me until later, is that my actions reinforce the stereotype that women are assaulted by strangers while walking alone at night. This isn’t the case in the majority of situations. Some studies cite that 69 percent of women are sexually assaulted by men they know. Statistically, I pose more of a threat to friends that I walk home than a stranger jumping out from an alley or a bush, and that’s something I’ve failed to take into consideration when in situations such as the one described above.
Second, my behaviour reinforces the idea that women need to be protected by men. While this certainly wasn’t the logic behind my actions, my friend pointed out (and I completely agree) that it appears that way to others. The fact is, I’m male, and even if I want to walk a friend (who happens to be a woman) home because I think people are safer when they’re with others, and even if I want to walk her home as a friend, not a male friend, this isn’t the way it appears to others. To most other people (and certainly people who don’t know me), I’m just another guy walking a woman home to protect her from the crazies just waiting to assault a woman walking home. The fact that I didn’t walk Steve home further exemplifies this.
Third, and perhaps the most troublesome, is the element of choice that my friend brought up. She’s right: I essentially told her I’d be walking her home, while I asked Steve. Not only that, but if she had refused, I would have insisted kindly. When Steve refused, I gave him an “Are you sure?” and that was that. If Erin absolutely refused to be walked home, I would have relented, but likely only then. And that’s not okay. While I might think at the time a refusal is simply an unwillingness to be a burden to another person, that’s not necessarily the case. A “no,” in whatever form, needs to be adhered to.
With past experiences, I’ve been placed in situations where I’ll be leaving a venue with a woman I met that day or night, and I’ll often ask to walk her home or to her car. In situations where I’ve received a “no,” I’ve complied immediately. With good friends, and probably with acquaintances, I’ve likely always insisted at least once. Why should it be different? In my mind, this is probably once again due to the stereotype that women are assaulted by strangers, something I’m aware of, but haven’t been when placed in these situations. Feminism is about choice for women, though, and if I’m depriving anyone of choice, that, in my mind, isn’t okay.
Another issue comes up, though. If I chose to simply go home and not walk a friend home and something did happen, I would feel guilty, not as a man who’s duty it was to protect his friend, but as a friend who should have been there for another friend. The same holds for both female and male friends: If something had happened to Steve on his way home, I would have felt incredibly guilty for not going to his home with him, yet I didn’t insist that I walk him home after his initial “no.” What is the solution? I don’t think it should be denied that sometimes people simply don’t want to burden another person, be they acquaintance or good friend. Should a “no” that results from those feelings be given the same weight as a more direct “no?” The trouble is, we can only determine so much by tone of voice, so the answer is probably “yes.” That might not rid a compliant friend of the guilt resulting from a friend’s assault (if it ever happened), but the answer to that is, in my mind, that we probably need to respect other people’s autonomy more than we do. Furthermore, if I respect a male friend’s autonomous choice to walk himself home but deny a female friend the same choice, never mind statistics or uneasy feelings: that’s sexist.
I’ll have moments like this in the future, I’m sure of it. Despite my best intents to rid myself of sexism, it still lurks beneath my privilege, and this won’t be the last time I discover I still harbour some sexism. All I can hope for is that when I write posts like this they get people thinking so we can move beyond the problems.
June 23, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Hey, nobody’s perfect! At least you’re willing to acknowledge situations where you have unintentionally been sexist and take steps to correct your behavior, which is more than can be said for most people.
June 23, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Look at it this way.
You’re sexist. Of course you are. If you have gender, you can’t avoid looking at those of the same gender in one way and those of the other gender in a different way. You can pretend it’s possible to avoid this but if you do, you’ll be the first person on the planet to achieve it.
The universe, mother nature and kidnapping rapists are also sexist.
What you did, while sexist, is the same thing I would do and have done. You protected the human beings most likely to come to harm.
That’s where you’ve confused yourself with your own statistics. While 69% of the woman who are sexually assaulted are assaulted by those they know, I think you’ll find that woman make up a very large share of those abducted off of streets. The fact that twice as many are assaulted in other ways isn’t really relevant when we’re discussing who would benefit from an escort home.
It’s no different from living in a neighbourhood with frequent breakouts of racial violence. Which of your friends would you walk home then?
June 23, 2008 at 2:35 pm
First, I think it’s really cool that you thought about this and analysed what might be sexist about it. That shows a lot of maturity on your part. Obviously, you think a lot about sexism or you wouldn’t have this blog, but I still think it’s cool that a situation like this would get you questioning yourself. Good for you! If only we could all be so self-aware.
Second, I do think it’s cool that you asked your male friend as well. I recently got an e-mail from the University of Iowa police chief (I keep meaning to write a letter!) that pissed me off for a number of reasons, but one of them was the assumption inherent in his “tips” that men can never be vulnerable or deserving of protection late at night. The e-mail started by saying that there have been sexual assaults in the area and that women can protect themselves. The tips themselves were not explicitly addressed at women, but it’s pretty clear who they were aimed at. One specifically said that *women* should not walk home alone at night. Also, the university saferide service is available only to women. I find that utter bullshit. Can a man not feel unsafe or threatened? It’s great that you thought to ask both your male and female friend.
Third, I do think that the one thing in your story that does strike me as an error is the insistence. I never have a problem with a man asking if I’d like to be walked home. I’m a feminist and a lesbian, and I like it when men do not assume that because of this, I’m less deserving of an escort. Especially as a young, attractive, and physically not-very-large woman, I do prefer to have someone with me when walking late at night. Sometimes I feel just as comfortable in a group of women, but to be perfectly honest, because of the way society is, I feel most comfortable walking with a man. I feel like men who want to try something are just going to be more likely if there are no other men around, regardless of how helpful my male or female friend would actually be in a conflict. However, I think the best way to approach it is to ask politely, “hey Judith, would you like me to walk with you?” I’ve had friends that say things like “no, you’re not walking” or “no way I’m letting you out of here alone,” and that just raises my hackles. What do you mean, let? In fact, in a situation where I really do feel unsafe, it’s possible that I would walk alone anyway just because it bothers me and I’m feeling defensive. So the best thing to do is ask, and give the woman an actual choice. I think in a lot of cases, women will be grateful!
June 24, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I’m with alesbianandascholar on this - asking is all right; assuming is not. I don’t find myself in a situation where I’m walking anyplace alone all that common, but a guy demanding to escort me, even “for my own safety,” would just make me angry. Asking whether I’d like company is a much better approach, and nine times out of ten I’d prefer it.
And that tenth time I don’t take an escort, I probably have my huge Akita with me anyway. :p
July 1, 2008 at 6:21 am
On the saying no to being walked home. Sometimes the male friend walking you home is also your rapist. So that can be the reason some people say no. Statistically women are more likely to be raped by someone they know.
July 1, 2008 at 7:36 pm
[...] though, and again, I hope this serves as a learning opportunity for other men. As I’ve said before, I will screw up, for whatever reasons, be it that I’m in a privileged person, that I’m [...]
July 3, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Hello,
I completely agree that we need to look at our day-to-day activities to promote a culture of autonomy for everyone, including women. “No means no” - and that includes being walked home.
Maybe it’s a mistake for a woman not to accept a walk home from a male friend. Maybe it’s also a mistake for a woman not to broaden her sexual horizons. In both cases though, it’s her choice to make - period.
And that means only one “no” should be necessary; no “Are you sure?” I find that kind of follow-up condescending in most contexts, since it seems to imply that the person doesn’t know his/her own mind or can’t make decisions.
Alesbianandascholar, you’re absolutely right; men should have the same resources available to them that women do. The university might have a point in that budgetary restrictions can mean services are not provided as broadly or as fully as we might like. And yes, a given woman may be at greater risk than a given man.
But that doesn’t justify a policy of discriminating against men. I know I’ve had to request an escort from a place where several other men, whom I didn’t know from a hole in the wall, had taken an instant and intense disliking to me. Luckily, things turned out well, but I know I was at risk of violence. And that’s far from the only time in my life I’ve been at such a risk - which has more than once become reality, too.
Keep up the good work.
Jeff Deutsch
jeff_deutsch@hotmail.com
July 5, 2008 at 2:58 am
I watched your vlog and I thought that your suggestion of walking women home was pretty bloody stupid. Me, I think that men are REALLY REALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS and would never let a man walk me home. Most men believe that this is an invitation for them to rape you.
The man who sexually assaulted me WAS A FEMINIST. So how is any woman supposed to know that you are not a rapist Derek? Because you call yourself a feminist?
More thoughts on this here:
http://allecto.wordpress.com/2008/07/01/men-are-really-really-fucking-dangerous/
October 8, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Well everyone else has commented what I would’ve said anyway, basically that Derek it’s good that you’re aware of your own sexism and that you’re regulating it.
As far as what Allecto is asserting, well what can I say. Like Derek pointed out, the fear of the dark stranger jumping out of the bushes is actually an overwhelming minority in rape cases. Sadly but truly, most rapists are men that the victim knew and trusted. I really don’t know what else to say about this unfortunate fact.